Archbishop of Canterbury holds Press Conference

(London. April 1). Showing the first signs of strain since he assumed office in 2003, Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams announced yesterday that he wasn’t going to the Lambeth Conference either. “I don’t get paid enough for this,” said the Archbishop at a hastily called press conference at Lambeth Palace. “Whine, whine, whine, that’s all I get all day long! The Africans hate me, the conservatives hate me, the liberals hate me. Well, you know what? You're all whinging berks, and I hate you!"

Reporters knew that the event would be extraordinary when the Archbishop, 57, appeared in a bathrobe and black socks, looking disconcertingly like Fidel Castro. In a rambling two-hour tirade, interspersed with spontaneous recitations of bawdy Welsh drinking-songs, Williams reserved his sharpest comments for South American Primate Gregory Venables. "What is the Southern Cone anyway? You call that a Province? Let me tell you, half a dozen elderly Hitler Youth singing ‘Shine, Jesus, Shine’ on the shores of Lake Cochabamba does not a Province make! Venables doesn’t live in South America at all! He lives in Swindon. Jane and I saw him and his wife buying Twiglets in Tesco just the other day!”

“Who wants to host the bloody Lambeth Conference?” he asked. “Instead I’m going to have some fun and take my kids to the annual Dostoyevsky Symposium at the State University of Minsk.”

The press conference ended abruptly when Lambeth Press Officer Aaron Beardsley-Hoyle appeared with orderlies from Bethlem Royal Hospital.

Hortense Pigsley-Hogg, 51, Lambeth Conference Organizer, rushed in at at the same moment, still in dressage costume, riding crop in hand. She said robustly that the Conference would proceed without the Archbishop. “All is well, no problem at all,” she stated. “The Conference will instead be chaired by the head of the Conference Design Group, the Most Rev. Sir Ellison Pogo, Primate of Melanesia.”

“Every challenge is an opportunity,” added Ms. Pisgley-Hogg, “I think we shall plan a special ‘Pogo’ theme—greeters on pogo sticks, corn dogs, that sort of thing. Jolly fun!”

Reaction from the Office of the Southern Cone was swift. A press release issued later in the day stated that Archbishop Venables never buys “Twiglets” and that what he was purchasing was “ Mr. Porky Snacks” for that evening’s Bible Study.

Comments

[Peter Cacoperdo]

Just what the Dr.ordered,the date says it all.
Thanks for a good laugh